My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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