yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
