I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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