i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
