Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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