so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
