i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
