3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
