SEEEEXXX PLEASE
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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