I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I smell like Dick and happiness
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