Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I just got three pairs of underwear free and a bathing suit for $20 by modeling them and letting the salesman grope me a bit.
It's great being a young gay man in Chicago!
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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