I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
