I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
