We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
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Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
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Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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