She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
