The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
Randomize
