Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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