So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
