I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Randomize
