Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
