she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
In other news, I just burned my penis
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
