I think scott just propositioned me for sex
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Randomize
