LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
