Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
