I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Randomize
