She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Randomize