I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I am spending my child support on dildos
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
