one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
