I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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