youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
