That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
