trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Apprently after I bit that bouncer, it all went down hill.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
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