this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
