My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
