I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
