put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
