in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
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