I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
