I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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