I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.