and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.