how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
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I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
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I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20