I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
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