I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
