I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Randomize
