Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
