i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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