I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
if they didn't want us to do blow at uni, why would they make textbooks so smooth?
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