I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
Randomize
