We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
Randomize
