that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Fuck me I smell like cheese
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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