the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
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He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
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Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
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