The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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