I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
