seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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