you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
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