This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
