The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
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